Those who know me know that I survive by dint of a daily verse of Scripture, chosen from the day's Mass readings or the Divine Office. I just read the readings, and one verse "jumps out" at me. (I try to use Lectio Divina, but time constraints usually prohibit that.)
Today's threw me for a loop; the second time in the four months I've been doing this. Daniel 6 told me, "Daniel was removed from the den, unhurt because he trusted in his God."
Trust in God is the very issue that came up in November's spiritual direction. My medical problems (originally misdiagnosed as migraines, later re-classified as occipital neuralgia) have put me through--well, more suffering than I'm used to, anyway. It's been quite a roller coaster since December 2004, when the problem first started. Only now are we finishing up the minor issues, like why my gut has been hurting.
But I feel like I can't trust God. After what I've been through, my reaction really was, "If God did this to me when I trusted Him, I can't make that mistake again." Now, intellectually, I know God *allowed* it, not "did" it, but I'm talking about my emotions here. I also know that the medical problems really did work to my good--I have better control over my temper, I know more about what it means to "offer it [suffering] up," I'm more focussed on my family than on outside commitments (e.g. politics), I'm more sympathetic to the suffering of others, and I have a greater love for Christ, who suffered all of what I go through--purposefully.
But I still can't trust Him. Emotionally, I feel like I don't know what He's going to do to me next. Which is ridiculous, and intellectually I realize that there's a misconception of God there, a lack of theological hope, etc. So I'll get past it, with the help of my spiritual director. But it might take a while.
Daniel trusted in his God. Note the possessive pronoun "his." There's an intimacy there. And the word "because"--his trust resulted in his being unharmed. That goes against my thinking. And my thinking is what's wrong.
I may keep this verse for a couple of days. I'll try to write back with additional thoughts later.
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
Eric's thoughts about Dominican spirituality, pro-life Democrats, comic books, homeschooling six kids, teaching 10th grade English, and other distractions in daily life.
I like Mike!
About Me
- Wendy
- Catholic, wife, homeschooling mother of six, Lay Dominican,and Prime Minister of the Zoomlian empire.
6 comments:
I think the book of Job may offer a lesson here. It's funny, because you know how I am about religion, but I have always thought that Job offers an interesting perspective on how we handle challenges in our lives and is an intersting lesson in faith.
Of course, this is my memory of Job from what I learned in Ms. Keigel's class over 20 years ago. But I loved reading Job and then reading J.B. by MacLeish (I think there might have been a novel that we read too, but it's been too long).
I could well be totally full of it.
It seems to me that you need to trust God (if you're going to believe in him/her) like you trust your spouse. But that's just me. I don't have that faith that you've found, so I'm certainly not one to judge how you practice your faith - I'm just your big sister who wants your life to be full of joy.
I hadn't actually thought of Job--I'll look at it again. (And yes, I remember it from Ms. Kigel's class, too.)
The spouse analogy, however, is one I've thought of. It also ties in with forgiveness. I read a bit from a priest who said that complete forgiveness, from the heart, means that you trust the other person. I hated that idea and vehemently disagreed, but over the last few weeks, I'm starting to see that there's more truth there than I'd first seen.
From my Catholic perspective, we were all put here for a unique reason, a purpose different than that of any other person. God trusts us to fulfill that purpose, even when we sin, aka betray Him. He trusts . . . US!
So the question is, will I recriprocate? Will I forgive Him enough to trust Him as much as He trusts me?
I disagree with that priest. Forgiving is for *you*, the person that was wronged, not for the person who did the wrong doing. You forgive so you can let go and move on. But I think you can forgive a wrong and move on, and still never want to talk to the person you forgave. I'll have to think on that.
When I was in high school, I never really understood what "forgiveness" even was, really--it was just something people said out of politeness. About 20 years old, I learned that it was to no longer wish evil upon someone else. At about 30, I learned that it was to actively wish good for the other (objective good, not necessarily "what they'd enjoy"). When I heard this priest's definition, I wanted to dismiss it out of hand, but I couldn't. On the other hand, I haven't necessarily embraced it, either.
Interesting how many of us have a hard time trusting God because of things that have happened to us and feelings of betrayal. It is very hard to trust God when we have experienced what emotionally feels like his betrayal. But, might I suggest, as a fellow wounded Catholic striving to open my hands and give God my most wounded part that still fears him, you CAN trust him. Change the talk in your head and heart. Imitate Sister Faustina "Jesus I trust in You." Even when you don't trust, say it anyway. Listen to St. Therese - "we cannot have too much confidence in God." Oh, and ask them to help you!
God bless!
Wow. I just started reading St. Faustina's diary on January 1, the day after you posted, Hope. And yes, I do notice some parallels (in terms of the suffering, not the holiness!).
Post a Comment